ferniebby.tumblr.com

FRIENDS!!!! so like i got tired of my plain blog. blogger just doesnt have that many options for a background, or anything cool. it doesnt let me get creative. so im switching over to my original first blog, its located in tumblr. that blog site lets me get more creative with my stuff. ive been bloggin the same things in my tumblr blog just in case i felt like this. so everything thats here is in my other blog. (: i suggest u guys should switch to tumblr, i mean u guys hardly blog, so there wouldnt be such a difference in a change haha. its way better. its more organized too. so this is my last post here in blogger. my tumblr account is ferniebby.tumblr.com YOU GUYS SHOULD GET A TUMBLR ACCOUNT! me and sara love it. (:

i smile, he smiles, && it makes me happy.

I jst can't seem to stop crushing! LOL. Now I'm crushing on another guy. This one however. Is familiar territory. I've been through this before, and I'm enjoying his presence once again. Haha. He's been making me smile and laugh so many times recently that I jst fell back on were I had left off. He's been really cool with me as well. I'm sure that I'm pretty obvious by the way I act. I mean, I can't keep a straight face with him, jst looking at him makes me smile, and then he smiles too! Haha. But it doesn't seem to bother him, which makes me happy. I'm glad that during these last moments of high school, I have someone to put a smile on my face, someone who jst makes me feel good inside, and someone who's a guy that isn't bothered by my actions. (: after graduation, I know that I'm gonna slowly lose contact with him, or not..?.. We will jst have to wait and see. I mean, ill still txt or call him on his bday like I did this past year, but idk if I will txt him here and there..lol,, I don't think I'm making sense anymore haha. So I'm jst gonna stop here, and say that I'm happy with how some things are going byy. (:

Audrina:" IM DONE,.. IM DONE!"

gahhhhh!. i seriously cant fucken wait till gradutaion. that will be the day that i will end things once and for all. i dont need fake people in my life. i tried being fucken nice but im jst like seriously done. im soo done with all this unecessary fucken drama. talking shit about people, being fake to people, being two faced, get a fucken life. everything is just gettin sooo old. i love the people who are true to me, and they know that im true to them. ive said this once and ill say it again, not to sound cocky or anything, but im the most trustworthy friend anyone can have in their life, and most of my friends KNOW IT... im confident in where my life is going, im confident in MYSELF, and im TRUE to who I AM. if people want to hate on me, go ahead. your wasting ur time u can say whatever u want. i could care less, its never gonna affect me. and it will never bring me down. i know what i want in life, so before people start to judge, take a look at your life first, and then see who has it better.


now i know the answer to the infamous phrase "why cant we just get along?".. BECAUSE THERES TOO MUCH FAKENESS IN BETWEEN thats why.


goodnight. <3

its for the best.

things have gotten better for me. my heart is no longer suffering from confusion. i know what i needed to do, and i did it. and it just might of been for the best.

i've felt better about some people, which is a really good thing for me, i couldnt let all that nonsense control my daily attitude, it wasnt healthy. senior year is approaching it's sad ending and all i can seem to do now, is finish up last minute work, and enjoy the last bits of moments that high school has to offer. im eager to see what this summer has to offer, license? car? tattoo?... love?... who knows, summer isnt that far away, so i wont be waiting that long. im also eager to see what a new environment will bring to my life, im so excited to begin my life at Santa Barbara, so excited to experience new things, i jst dont have the words to express it.. well i guess i jst did. HA. life is starting to be good again, and im glad it is. (:

why is this happening to me?

What is this I'm feeling?... Something is very slowly growing on me, and I'm not sure if I should let it grow. I feel like jst letting fate decide all of this, but then I think that I SHOULD be the one to decide, not fate. I feel like I'm risking something that I don't wanna risk losing. I dont want have an awkward starfish in my face, and I feel like if this keeps growing, that starfish is surely gonna be planted on my face. Why mee!! Facken shit!.. I surely am setting myself up for a pickle!... I'm sooo confused... Should I?, or shouldn't I?... Gahhhhh! I don't know what to do..

Well, for right now, this feeling is very small, we'll see how things go as the days pass. We'll see if this is jst another phase of mine.

alcohol.

so theres been lots of talk about alcohol lately, and how crazy drunk my friends got during their spring break, and i cant help but wonder how i would act if i ever got drunk. i wonder if i would be crazy or something, LOL, im actually intrigued with the thought haha... i want to test it out, but i want to do it while i know i wont be going home for the night, cause i mean, me coming home drunk or staying somewhere without calling is not my ideal thing to do while living in this household. ill probably test it out during college, but i wish i could a little earlier, just to see how i would act, and so i wouldnt make a fool of myself in college, if i do get that crazy.

now i do regret not going to mexico this spring break, haha, o well will never know what could have happened if i would of gone haha, cant do anything about it anymore. but i do want to get wasted! LOL. (:

may

its officially may.. wow. and before i know it, its going to be june. and before i know its going to be june, it'll be june 11... its getting closer. and the anticipation just keeps rising. i honestly will just be relieved once that day is done and overwith, a sense of accomplishment.. but first i need to get through this month, and 2 weeks.

things are starting to get better, at least thats what i see, so i think things should be fine for the rest of the school year. OC is almost done and overwith aswell, this wendsday if the final for bio lab, which i have no doubt that i will end with an A in that class. now ethics is a different story, i need to see what my grade is in this last test that i took, i also need to do all those homework assignments that i never did. LOL. gahhh. if i get a B in that class ill be fine, but i really dont want another C, itll be like ughhh. but once these two classes are over, im DONE with OC. i dont ever want to take classes there again. im seriously DONE with OC after this month. hahaha. i have no plans to take classes in the summer, and nothing is going to change that, well unless i have a really bad grade in ethics, then i will retake it this summer, but whatever. i think im good.

i recently changed my tongue ring to a more colorful one. i got a rainbow one. super cute. im still fully inlove with my piercing haha. i cant stop playing with it!. lol i also got a few other different rings so i think ill be switching every 2-3 weeks on them. (:

my life is turning into an episode of THE HILLS.

so this weekend was "the hills" weekend on mtv. all five seasons of the hills played on mtv all day saturday and sunday. i of course watched them all. well not necessarly all, i did wake up late, and i did go out in the afternoons, but i did watch most of them. i enjoyed reliving the whole "hills" hype... i came to a few realizations while watching the episodes.

1. the first place were i heard of Lady Gaga was on the hills!,
2. the girl that was with stephanie in club opera, screaming at lauren for
having beef with speidi, is named roxy, (she was stephanie's best friend), now
is on whitney's show "The City" and is friends with whitney!.

pretty crazy realizations haha. well other than that i enjoyed watching my favorite episodes over again. and refreshing my memory from start to finish, gettin me ready for the last season of the show. can't wait.. but.. as i spent most of my weekend watching the hills, i couldnt help but notice how similar my current life was to the events taking place in the show... it was actually sad seeing that, noticing how the things that were making me sad, were actually sorta the same things that were causing problems to some of the main characters... i just came to a realization that my life was turning to an episode of the hills... but as much as i love the show, i wouldnt want some of the situations that happened in the show to take part in my life... AT ALL.

in the famous words of a now ugly woman, " what did i do?!!,... what did i do??!!"

hurts.

..its times like these when i wish that i could just crawl under a rock, and stay there forever. i dont like feeling like this.. like my world is already falling apart piece by piece as a new chapter in my life is barely going to begin.. and once again, im feeling like im being questioned, like im being doubted. and thats not a pretty feeling to feel, trust me. im to the point where i dont want to do anything anymore.

i had a plan, a surprise planned, but now... i dont even know if i should go through with it.. she wants to question my friendship..? her out of all people.. i honestly dont see the reason behind it. yes i havent been that social, or even plain out not social for idk how long, but that doesnt mean anything. that doesnt mean i hate everyone or that im not including them in my life. i havent done anything, planned anything, or even gone anywhere where people should feel like im not including them. I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING to not not include ANYONE, so it honestly hurts me that people even feel like that, especially you, you out of all people, you that means everything to me. i really dont want to end my high school experience like this... were suppossed to stay together forever.. remember.... if it honestly is my fault for all of this, then im truly sorry, i dont like making people feel like they are no longer part of my life, im not that type of person and i thought it was clear as to what kind of friend i am..

YET again.

well.. im doing it again... im falling for a straight guy.. YET AGAIN.. story of my life. hahaha. i guess i couldnt jst not think about guys, or i jst couldnt NOT not have a crush on someone, its like i need to constantly be liking someone in order for me to be happy, and comfortable with myself... its funny how ive known this guy for my whole high school life, and im barely actually falling for him. i mean, i did think he was cute as the years progressed, but NOW, senior year has put him in a new light, ive really noticed him this year. and im loving it... i feel like its junior year all over again, except this time its with a different guy, the reason being.. the guy actually talks to me, makes me laugh, and isnt bothered by my extremely obvious flirting, (well atleast i think, i mean im pretty obvious, but you never know), and its because for these reasons that im really into him.

i guess that whenever this type of guy comes my way, i always think that i could change him, that it would jst take one night.. or not even a night, more like our conversations, and us bonding together, that he could turn on me, and be my one and only that ive been looking for, but i have to bring myself down to reality everytime, and i dont mind at all. i jst enjoy the time that i have, and make the best of it. i know that ill get over him sooner or later, and he will jst be added to the list of guys that i crushed on deeply while in high school. now that i think about it.. he might be the last one...

healing process

soo, ive had this tongue piercing for 3 days now, and my tongue has turn into a faken watermelon. LOL. its sooo fat. ! swelled up alot. my barbell has made an indent on the top of my tongue, which burns everytime i kind move it. i had a major lisp. all my friends are making fun of me. ahah. but i jst cant wait for the two weeks to ber over, and then i can switch to a smaller one, and with better balls, bc i dont really like the metal ones.

im not really enjoying this healing process, at the moment i had fluid in my mouth, i sprayed h2ocean body and oral piercing spray in my mouth, and im holding it in for 10 mins, but i want to vomit everytime, bc its jst salty and goeyy, not very good. im doing everything i can to make this swelling go down faster. i want my normal tongue back!. lol

my biggest problem that i have at the moment, is not being able to eat what ever the fuck i want, or even eatign comfortably. it takes me 30 mins to finish freaking small fries. wtf? and then i cant eat dairy, i dont want no facken yeast infection in my mouth so im staying away from all my favority dairy stuff... such a pain!. lol.

i jst want this whole healing process thing to be over, because everyday that i wake up, and my tongue is still swollen, i get worried, and i dont like feeling like that at all. worst feeling ever. in other news, ive been hiding my piercing very well, nobody in my house has noticed my piercing, or even my lisp! yay me. i want this to heal, and then ill probably think about telling them. haha.

piercing.

well.... i finally did it.. after so much talk about me getting my tongue pierced, i finally ended up doing it. i freaking love how it looks!. LOL

i was freaking nervous walking to the tattoo shop, me and cassie were trying to calm myself down, talking bout random things, and just laughing. we were joking about how we were the last two people who would walk in into a tattoo shop asking for a body piercing. ahha. it was funny. well we got there, and we saw some hot ass guys, that defenetly calmed me down. one was even walking shirtless. dammm. what a nice body he had. my piercer took a while to get the stuff ready, but when it was time, i was prepared. the actuall procedure didnt really hurt, it was more like a little pinch in the tongue. he told me that i had a short tongue, so it would be difficult for him to pierce it, but in the end it all worked out, and before i knew it, it was over. now im enduring the aftermath, it freaking hurtss!. like seriously its soo soree. and im freaking hungry that i dont now how im going to eat. im like starving at the moment!. gahhh. i want to be as cautious as possible with this thing. i think im seriously going to be a clean freak with my mouth. i researched and it said that i shouldnt use lots of mouthwash, but idk if ima follow that. well i guess, ill defently be loosing some weight now, because im putting myself in a strict diet. for two weeks. i can do it!.

im expecting for my tongue to swell, hopefully it doesnt swell soo bad.

O! another thing, my family absolutely doesnt know anything about this, idk how long im going to keep this secret, hopefully i can for a really long time. i mean, im 18, but they jst wouldnt understand. gahh.

time to wake up

time to wake up from this break slumber. ughhh. what a facken drag. tomorrow im back to school, and im not so extatic about it. well all i can now keep telling myself is, less than 3 more facken months left. gahhh. cant waiit.

the end of this spring break was actually very pleasin in my opinion, it actually has been a very more producitve and enjoyable spring break ever, for me that is. haha. friday was awesome.

went to citywalk, walked around, entered shops here and there, window shopped, then we left and somehow ended up in hollywood. haha. OMG. i saw freaking AUDRINA PATRIDGE from the hills. !!! like we were at the stoplight and her car was next to ours!. it was sooo funny, i jumped and like practically stucked my head out the window. she didnt look out her window thou. i was like soo tempted to throw something at her window, but i didnt. aah. i took a picture in my phone, but u can hardly see her because it was in the evening, and her windows were tinted. she was soo pretty, and FACKEN skinny!. haha loved her. after that we decided to test our luck again and roam around hollywood blvd and sunset blvd in the car. sooo fun. we saw woody, buzz, star wars people, and JESUS!. ahaha, there was actually a guy inpersinating jesus. haha. it was gettin late so we decided to go look for LA INK, actually known as high voltage tattoo, i didnt know that haha. but we did find it, and we saw the shop, we saw kat's brother, and we saw the infamous mural in the back of the shop. such a memorable day it was.

saturday was left for a movie day with saraa. ! nobody wanted or couldnt go, so it was a "hot" date for us. ahaha. it turned out in the end that her fam was joining in. ahahaha. it was soooo funny. ! her fam was cool. (: we watched clash of the titans. it was cool. i liked it. but something was said that brought memories. haah. well, the movie was about greek gods u know.. so the name apollo was mentioned, and i was like OOOOOOOmg. ahahah. sooo funny, i didnt trip though, no bigggie.

sunday was my big egg war at the beach. for easter of course, ahah. i dont jst have random egg wars at the beach. LOL. it was FUNNN... who uses confetti nowadays??? its all about FLOUR! haha. we were a flour mess, especially me, everyone was ought to get me i swear, they all wanted to ruin my hair. -_-. it was cool though, i was ready for war. great day it was.

for the first time in a long time.... i dont have homework on sunday night!. ahahaha. it feels ooo soo good to be free tonight. maybe ill be doing this more often,... i did say that i was going to try and be a goood student after break, so imatry my best to put that into action. it a must!. my grades arent lookignt oo good at the moment. ewww.

(: <333

bittersweet.

spring break... it has been good for the most part i guess. i mean i not in mexico, but fuck it, i rather be here spending it with the family and friends. (:

so being 18 hasnt been any different than being 17 haha. i mean i like the title but i havent put it to the test yet. hopefully i can soon. ive been wanting to get a tongue piercing, better yet, i was suppossed to ahve gotten it this week, but because i have things going on with the family, where i want to eat, and where i dont want to be cautious in, i have to postpone my piercing. hopefully next week, idk, haha, i really want it though. my party was fun for the most part. i should have gotten a better jolly jumper haha. we could hardly jump in it, well ACTUALLY, we COULDNT ahaha. one step on the edge and our faces/asses were tocuhing the ground. i guess it was fun falling over and over again. haha. but i wish i would have gotten a better one, one were we could have actually been able to jump, and where we could of enjoyed the slide. maybe next time. (: i sensed something in the air that afternoon, very unecessary things were said, but whatever, it wasnt my place to get involved in, but i didnt like it either. fuck it. im over it.

our beach day was fun, we had sort of like a picnic at mandalay,claudias ceviche was bomb. (: i always love her ceviche. ahahaa, played lots of "games" tried to make a huge human pyramid, that was unsuccessful, but we made a small one, ahah, one with a 3 people base. played piggy back race, i broke lina and nelle, aahha well actually only jannelle, she couldnt carry me so we fell to the floor. funny, lina can actually carry me!. hha. i took me tunr being in the bottom, ahaha. BOTTOM. lol, i carried cassie, sara, and nicole. fun. played red rover or how ever u spell it, i was very good, i was not about to let go of anyones hand no matter how much it would hurt.

our PHO night was very good. it was myself, cassie, sara, amanda, and CRISTIAN!. ahah. miracle he went out for a change. we mostly ordered our usuals, the food was bomb, i freaking love that place. lots of conversations were made, lots of laughs were made, and it was just an overall great night with the friends. i kept touching my tongue because i wanted a tongue piercing soo much, they kept makign fun of me. ahha... in other news, cristian is seriously a cutie. he made me smile everytime he spoke, whether if it was directed to me or not. i guess i found myself my next "crush", bout time, that apollo event really took a toll on me, but im back, and im happy. (: after pho we went to jack in the crack because cristian kept complaining that he wanted s a burger, we took him (next door) and we got ourselfs some oreo shakes. yumm. more laughs were exchanged, and sexual stuff was said between cassie and myself. ahaha. sooo funny.

cassie: "ewww you would really go down?!"
me:" ummm yeaa?.. what else am i suppossed to do??"

ahahaha soo funny. cassie and her reactions are hilarious. love her. in the end it was myself, saram and amanda for like an hour. sara's ride wasnt coming so we jst chilled there talking and bonding. perfect it was. (:

in more shocking news.. im actually not procastinating with my spring break homework! shocking right??? i finished most of my stuff already, and its barely the middle of the week, ahaha, i made 6 poems, 4 of which im very happy with, finished a stupid book for government AP review, and all i have to do now is a project. i have an idea of what i want to do, but now i just have to put it into action. im like soo proud of myself for not letting all this stuff for sunday night. haha i guess i figured i wasnt going to be able to do everything since that sunday was easter sunday. which i cant faken wait for. EGG WAR will be happening. HECK YESS.

o. i went out driving today for a change. i paid for an instructor to take me because i simply wastn going to learn with the people in this house. everybodu is either busy, or faken lazy i swear. gahh. anyways. it was pretty good. drove for 2 hours, compared to the 10 mins i did in my first time. lol. i actually went on the main streets this time. didnt crash, learned how to park, how to turn, and how to reverse, plus a 3 point turn, and a u-turn. i felt very successful. now i have to seriously annoy the hell out of my siblings to take me out because i dont want to pay again. that shit was expensive. >_>

thoughts: high school.. im soo faken over it already, college can u come any faken slower? gahh. i jst want to leave oxnard already no faken idea. this huge friendship that we all once had.. i see it slowly diminishing, and its sad to see, not even to graduation yet, and were slowly breaking off. soo much drama... UNECESSARY drama that is.. soo annoyed with it already... i guess heading off t0 college wont be AS hard AS i thought it would be..

night. (:

its been nice knowing you "youthness".

as minutes countdown i felt like bloggin one last time as a 17yr old...

i cant believeits been 18 years already. wow. my life has certainly been interesting for the most part. it has also been very nice in my opinion. i was very lucky to have been giving the life that i have, been fortune enough to have met the people that i have met, and blessed to have made such amazing friends that will last me a lifetime, i hope.... now as my youthness is officially diminishing, im very excited to begin my new life, as a legal adult.

im looking forward to many things with my new priviliges. piercings, tattoos, non-curfew, no need to ask my mom for permission signatures.. accompaning these new privileges, is my last year of high school, and my first year of college, another set of things that im greatly lookign forward to.

20 mins now.... (:

never thought i would.

ive finally cracked. ive had soo many emotions packed inside me, not only from recent events but just from my overall life, they kept building and build that they finally broke loose. idk how they did but... well.. i guess i do, one last thing finally hit me and i couldnt take it anymore, so i released them the best and worst way anyone could. by crying.

i never thought i would crack. i saw myself as someone that could hold on to my personal emotions so well, i guess im not that much of a rock. its been years since i cried that i thought i wouldnt cry anymore.. i was wrong. never did i think i would cry like how i did. the more i thought about things, the worse it would get. the music playing in my ears wasnt that much of help either, coincidentially lots of sad songs played during that time.. i guess i can finally say that ive had an emotional breakdown, or that i was an emotional wreck...

it feels good to have been wiped out from all those emotions i had. i feel refreshed now..... ok im not gonna lie, im not completely wiped, im still a little sadden but im sure itll pass. now i have to move on with my life, the past is the past, and the future awaits me.

i dont get it. .... "/

And just like that, my hopes and possibilities get shot down. One more time..... I don't get it, am I not alowed to be with anyone? Am I not allowed to at least meet a guy that will feel the same towards me, as I would feel towards him?.... Idk, am I asking for too much? Someone plz just tell me. I feel like my feelings have been played with, but I'm not blaming anyone except myself, for I was the one that put out my feelings, I put them out hoping someone would take a chance with them, but nobody seems to want to right now.

Now.... That stranger...... That stranger that I got excited to meet this whole past week, is gonna end up being just a stranger. I knew it was too good to be true when I heard he was coming down. I knew that he didn't want anything to do with me anymore, I jst didn't want to go by it. And in the end, I was right, once again.. I was right. And i HATE it. "/


If some people have it so easy and simple, why can't I?... I'm not any different then they are..... I just don't get it.

is my time coming?

anxious, nervous, happy, worried, scared, excited.. these are all the feelings im feeling at the moment. the reason being: a boy. an old stranger is coming down this weekend, and stranger he is aha. ive waited a little over 3 months for him, and the time is finally ending. i made sure not to waste my time waiting for him, i had my little adventure at the begginig of this year, so i wasnt completely lonely. now, 24 hrs or even less than that is what keeps me separated from that stranger.. that stranger i never got to meet this past november. he said he would return, and i hope he is returning because of me. but i have to be careful, i dont want to be gettin my hopes up too soon like i always tend to do, i have to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground, cant be on cloud 9 right now. first, he has to arrive, and second, we need to see if he hasnt forgotten about me. my mind has it set that hes coming down, that were going to meet up, and that something will spark. i cant let my mind control me right now, its not healthy for me. we all know what that got me last time. absolutely nothing. i dont want to end up like that again, i wasnt a happy camper. now this weekend... this weekend will tell it all.

COUNTDOWN.

so the countdown to my 18th birthday is officially starting. i have 25 days to go. i honestly feel like an 18 yr old already, i mean what is going to change in these next 3 weeks that is going to be different once i turn 18. thats right NOTHING. i guess its good to have the official tittle though.

one thing that i need to accomplish before i turn 18 though, is to learn how to faken drive. gahh, i want to take my drivers test on spring break, which is the week after my birthday. perfect right?? driving by april, that is my goal. i really hope that i get a car for my 18th but i highly doubt it, its nice to think about it though, think about things that my family is not willing to do. i guess i bring my own hopes up, so that they can be broken down later, whether its for love, or for my everyday life, i cant seem to learn to stop gettin my hopes up for things. LOL. but anyways back to my upcoming event of my life. i hope that once im OFFICIALLY 18, my family will cut me some slack, and let me make my own facken choices, i dont need to be checked up on 24/7, they better cool it off, or else im not going to be a happy camper. to get more liberty i guess i might need to get a job so that im not constatly asking for money, and im willing to do that, but i want to know how to drive first, i dont wanna be asking for rides, i wanna drive there myself, and then go somewhere afterwards. so if im going to get a job, driving is a must. thats my plan, and theres no changing.

RANDOM: im currently listening to "cater 2 u" by destiny's child. i havent heard this song in years, it was brought back to my attention by another song that was in a kareokee machine. i can say that i have fallen back in love with it, i have it nonstop playing in itunes. haha. <3 (:

some memories, will never fade away.

so yesterday after everyone left from bexy's surprise birthday party. it was just me, sara, and bexy herself. haha. we were chillen in the couch talking about who knows what, but then i started talking about my life. it was pretty deep. i was just going off about how in 7th grade was were all the talking started about my sexuality, and how i started to like guys. sara asked me when was it that i knew that i was gay and i told her it was about 6th grade. but as i thought about it more, i came across very old memories about my life in mexico, and i relized that i had known about the male body more in depth when i was a kid. as i told my story about the things that happened and the things i did with my friends, bexy and sara just kept laughing and didnt believe me. they said it was my mind making me believe what i wanted to believe. but i know its nothing like that. i KNOW what i did, and i KNOW what happened.

dont think anything weird like i got raped, or sexually abused as a child, it was nothing like that. it was just boys testing things, and playing around. i mean, i didnt know what i was doing, but i know for a fact that it happened. as i kept talking about my life bexy and sara were all laughs and i couldnt help but to laugh with them, it was a funny situation, me bringing all this up out of nowhere and them not believing me, i couldnt help it but to laugh with them. i explained how i was introduced to the penis at a very young age, and how me and my friends did many..... things. i dont know how to explain it with out sounding like to total lunatic, but bottom line is that we were kids that didnt know what we were doing, well... at least I DIDNT.

my final thoughts on all of this are that, as much as my friends dont wanna believe those things actually happened, all i can say is that theres memories that you will never forget, no matter how old they are..... mine just happen to be those.