some memories, will never fade away.

so yesterday after everyone left from bexy's surprise birthday party. it was just me, sara, and bexy herself. haha. we were chillen in the couch talking about who knows what, but then i started talking about my life. it was pretty deep. i was just going off about how in 7th grade was were all the talking started about my sexuality, and how i started to like guys. sara asked me when was it that i knew that i was gay and i told her it was about 6th grade. but as i thought about it more, i came across very old memories about my life in mexico, and i relized that i had known about the male body more in depth when i was a kid. as i told my story about the things that happened and the things i did with my friends, bexy and sara just kept laughing and didnt believe me. they said it was my mind making me believe what i wanted to believe. but i know its nothing like that. i KNOW what i did, and i KNOW what happened.

dont think anything weird like i got raped, or sexually abused as a child, it was nothing like that. it was just boys testing things, and playing around. i mean, i didnt know what i was doing, but i know for a fact that it happened. as i kept talking about my life bexy and sara were all laughs and i couldnt help but to laugh with them, it was a funny situation, me bringing all this up out of nowhere and them not believing me, i couldnt help it but to laugh with them. i explained how i was introduced to the penis at a very young age, and how me and my friends did many..... things. i dont know how to explain it with out sounding like to total lunatic, but bottom line is that we were kids that didnt know what we were doing, well... at least I DIDNT.

my final thoughts on all of this are that, as much as my friends dont wanna believe those things actually happened, all i can say is that theres memories that you will never forget, no matter how old they are..... mine just happen to be those.

Dreams really DOn't come true.

its done, a clear path has finally opened up for me. i now know what i have to do, and what i have to move on from.

for the past month and a half, ive been in a total confusion bubble. i was in love, and i couldnt get myself out of it. my person of interest was a guy that lived miles away from me, i never thought about long distance relationships, i actually thought they were lame, and not worth it. BUT.. HE made me think twice about it. i like him soo much that i desperately wanted to be the one for him, and i honestly thought that he was the one for me, the one that i've been waiting for ever since love came into mind. i wanted it soo badly that i would make myself miserable whenever i felt that things were going downhill. we had our late night conversations, staying up till one us fell asleep, mostly him, we talked about random things, and not so random things. i was finally happy for once in my life, our conversations made me feel that there was actually a possibility there, a possibility that he would be the one for me, but every week things would change very quickly. our conversations wouldnt be as good, i would feel that i was boring him, and i would stop myself from txting him for a few days simply because i wanted to lose that feeling that i would constantly get whenever i would talk to him. that i was annoying him because i would txt him 24/7, my mind would tell me that i was fucking things up, and i would make myself miserable in return. those were the days that i would go to school feeling down, being completely noticeable to my friends, looking like a total loser that is impatient, and wants somebody to love him, somebody for him to be with. those were the days. but jst like that, things would change back and it would be perfect again, or even better than usual in some occassions. i was literally being taken in an emotional rollercoaster ride, but i didn't want to get of. i was to the point where i would rather be in that ride, than be waiting in the back of the line.

he would talk to me in a way that you normally wouldnt talk to a friend, but someone you thought more than that. or atleast thats what i thought and believed. our conversations would be soo random that sometimes he would bring up other guys. he would tell me how he liked them, how they liked him, and how he wanted to be with one of them. he would ask for my advice about what to do, and who to choose. you could imagine how i would be feeling. i would get soo jealous, and sad that he would think about other guys, after all of our conversations. i would even think that he would make them up jst to make me jealous, or to simply test me, but that was just my mind trying to protect me from reality. but by my mind protecting me, it let me get deeper and deeper into this whole situation, and i ended up gettin my hopes up for absolutely nothing.

i didnt have the guts to tell him that i liked him before, but valentines day was coming up so for some reason i got a boost of confidence and i told him how i felt. he didnt tell me that he felt the same, but he didnt tell me that he felt otherwise either. he simply asked why, why i liked him. i explained, and told him that i didnt expect anything in return, and that was because it was true, i didnt expect him to like me back jst because i told him how i felt, i needed to get it off my chest, and he told me that he understood what i meant. since that day i began to have a secret identity in a place called formspring. it was a place where you could ask people questions or jst talk anonymously, and he happened to get an account, so when i realized that our conversations were just not good enough anymore, that the whole things seem to be going downhill, i became anonymous and started to talk to him there. i asked him to be my valentine, and he agreed, we had a whole set out for valentines day, but i knew that it was just made up, he lived miles away so i didnt actually expect the plan to get into action, but it was fun to pretend. you see how much i was into this guy? i was going crazy for him, and he hardly knew it. when valentines day came, i didnt really talk to him, the whole point of the day had me down and i wasnt really in the mood, but i decided to make the best of it, not really caring about it. spent it with the fam bam, and that was all i needed. later at night i finally talked to him in formspring and asked him playfully what happened to our whole plan, from there our conversation started. he really wanted to know who i was, so i told him, he said he was literally surprised, that many other people crossed his mind except me, i guess it was really unexpected for me to do soemthing like that. i continued talking to him, and as time passed our conversation started heading into something that i didnt like. BOREDOM. i kept trying to change the topic, kept trying to talk about interesting stuff, but i was running out of things to say, then he brought up some other guy. i simply told him that i rather not talk about him, and that seemed to give me a boost of confidence to tell him, or more like ask him how he felt about me. ever since i told him how i felt i wanted to know how he felt back, i told him everything i felt and why i wanted to know. i was tired of tearing myself apart, letting myself get my hopes up, and believing that there could possibly be something there. he told me that he just saw me as a "cool friend". that wasnt the answer that i wanted to hear, but i took it how it was. i guess that while i was gettin my hopes up, i was slowly preparing myself for that part, that huge part that i believed he wouldnt feel the same because it didnt hurt me at all that he felt that way. i mean, i was hurt, i wanted to test things out, i wanted him to be the one, but i wasnt extremely hurt in the end. i know that i sound crazy for saying that i was SO deeply into this guy, and then to say that i wasnt badly hurt when he didnt feel the same, but the whole time i had doubts in the actual outcome. my mind played a game of tug of war , one side was what i wanted the outcome to be, and on the otherside was a more probable chance in reality, reality would always win in my mind. then why did i bother? i jst really liked him, i didnt care for reality.

now that im done digging my hole, and ive found a clear path to follow, i can look back at that month and a half and be happy for allowing myself to want to test things out, and for all the good moments i had. im glad that i still got him as a friend, or atleast i hope i still do, hes very cool, and i wouldnt want to end things just like that. now i go and begin my search once again for that guy... that guy that i just simply can't seem to find. wish mee luck.

MY version of Valentines Day, not HOLLYWOOD's.

february 14 has come once again, and its now minutes away from being just another day. i was once again single, SURPRISE.. -_- when i woke up i was jst not feeling the day at all, i was practically down for the whole beggining of the day. i thought that my day was just going to be as miserable as any other valentines day, but im glad it wasnt. hollywood's version on this day was very sweet and funny, i admit i did like their sefl tittled day movie. i could go watch it again and again if i wanted, but my day wasn't going to go like the one in the movie, not even close. the closest it could of gotten to might of been the part where jessica beil throws a "i hate valentine's day party" where people wack a heart shaped pinata. ahaha. thats as close as to what my actual valentines day could of gotten. the pinata part might of been FUN!, but there was no pinata on my day, ahaha.

it was the afternoon when i heard that my mom and sister were going to go to camarillo for who knows what, all i knew was that i WAS NOT ABOUT TO STAY HOME ALONE, i was not about to be miserable for the rest of the day, so i txted my cousin to see what she was going to do for the rest of the day. it turned out that she was jst home, bored, furstrated, with nowhere to go. so i asked her if i could get dropped off, and she said i totally should, we could chill, and have fun together. so that was my plan for the rest of the day. it was about 5pm when i arrived at my cousin's and when i entered her house it turned out that my other two cousins where there too, i asked them if they were going to go out, and they were like

"noo, this day sucks!!"

i agreed with them. haha. then i realized that they were watching Halloween 2 so i joined them. i didnt realize how gory that film was, michal myers was seriously on crack, he would stab people on their spine like 20 times, no kidding. he would cut their heads off with glass, butcher them with an axe, and pop flatten up their heads with his foot. soo much blood was spilled, soo many "ewww's, blahhh's, and gahhh's" were said, and soo many bones were borken. michael had jst finished stabbing a nurse in her spine for the 20th time when i said,

"what a GREAT movie to watch on valentines day!!"

my cousins were like

"fuck yeaah! we dont need no faken romance, some blood, and gore is perfectly
fine."

ahahaha. it was hilarious. to add to the GREAT atmosphere the lights went out like 30 mins into the movie. we all were like wtf?! ur kidding! that was a good movie. ! then my cousin was like

"let's light up some candles, it adds to the romance"

ahaha. we started laughing. it took like 6 mins for the lights to come back on and for us to continue watching our movie. we got hungry half way into it and decided to go for something to eat. carl's jr was the place of choice, yumm i got me a nilla shake, a western, with cris-cut fries. ! i was a happy camper. we went back home and enjoyed our meal, chatted it up, and then the lights went out yet again. this time we were in complete darkness, it was scary. !! we had our phones on and made scary faces. ahha. eventually the lights came back on, and me and my cousin started a conversation on our love lifes. it got pretty deep. then my ride came to pick me up, and it was time for me to go home.

what a great day it turned out to be, while people were out on their dates, celebrating their love, i was at my cousin's watching gory bloody films. ahahah. thats how i roll. NO NEED for me to be at home, alone, miserable, tearing myself apart for being single, NO NEED for that at all. quality time with thee fam bam was my remedy from an emotional breakdown. now i can move on with the rest of the year, looking forward to my birthday, my license, my graduation, and my hopeful car. (:

Bonding.

so today has been another great day spent with thee friends. i lovee these type of days, being out of the house, bonding with thee friends, being random, laughing, and going from place to place.

today was the haiti fund event that was going to be held at a car dealer's shop, team infinity to be exact. so i had to wake up early and be there at 10:30, that didn't happen, i woke up at 10, showered, and by the time i arrived at the actual event it was close to being 11. i didnt really matter, the event was barely starting so it was still empty. if your wondering what we were doing there and why we were helping out, it was because we were asked to participate in the event to raise funds for haiti relief. we joined a few more groups there, like oxnard knights, aeropostale, Q104.7, and some other group that i dont remember their name. haha. well it was decided that we were going to be seeling valentines day candy grams because valentines was going to be tomorrow, so it was perfect. we made chocolate roses, and candy leis. these were made PRIOR to the event, at cassie's house. we produced lots of roses and a few leis. it was all good.

like i mentioned earlier, when i arrived there it was EMPTY, nobody was really there, nobody was really buying anything, more people for our group started to arrive, and then it was still empty. a few roses and leis were bought but we were still stuck with a bunch. i was pretty much over the whole thing 30 mins into it. nobody was arriving, and i jst felt that it was a waste of time to be there. i had set my time limit to 12:30 for me to leave, but that changed once people started to arrive, bussiness kicked in, and lina, jannelle, and eddie hustled people to buy our candy. i pretty much chilled the whole time in the back, enjoying the sun and wind. very relaxing. it was about 2 or 2:30 when we sold out. nicee! we raised about 130+?? dollas for haiti felief. we felt accomplished. when we finished we all felt hungry to we went to costco for some hotdogs, and pizza. when i mean we, i mean, myself, lina, andrew, jannelle, cynthia, eddie, eilien and christian.

at costco eilien bought me a hotdog because i was broke. lol. tyy!. it was actually my first time eating a costco hotdog, it was yummy, very big and juicy, AHAAH. so we ate, and then christian decided that he wanted burger king fries, so we walked our asses to burger king for him to get his fries. chilled at burger king for a while, then we left becasue jannelle wanted to go to a clothing warehouse to find herself a vneck. she achieved that mission and then we booked it to walmart to get andrew some hair products because he simply can't live without them. i dont blame him, hair is very important. i didnt like how they remodeled walmart, eveything was moved around, and it looked smaller. not a very good design, after walmart we went to ross because lina and jannelle were going to look for who knows what. ahaha. me, andrew, cynthia, eddie, eilien, and christian stood by the tie section and talked, well, they talked while i stared at myself in the mirror the whole time. ahaha. conceited??, nahh. lina and nelle shopped pretty fast, we were surprised, haha. well jannelle needed to go to the bank so lina went with her in her car. the rest of us went in eiliens car and chilled in the parking lot until something was decided on what to do next. christian wanted to go home so we took him home, and invited ourselfs into his home. ahahaha

christian's house was veryy pretty. his parents were nicee. (: he had a cutee doggie named mojo.

eddie:"mojo???? like mojo jojo?"

me: "from powerpuff girls??!?!!?"

eventually lina and nelle joined us and we decided to play the wii, that is after the hour long that it took to actually figure out how to play it on the tv. ahaha. you would guess that since christian lived there he would know what to do, but he couldnt figure it out. ahah funny. but eventually his brother came to thee rescue and fixed our situation. mario kart was the game of choice, i was really good at it, i placed 1st on both of my turns.! lina is freaking hilarious trying to play. aahahaha. she had as all laughing. (: christian's fam bam were soo nice they got us pizza, COSTCO pizza to be exact. ahaha. i didnt mind it, i had a hotdog, and i was craving pizza from costco so i was good. it was BOMB. ! my first time trying costco pizza, and i freaking loved it. eli eventually had to go home, especially cynthia, haha, so since eli was leaving we left too becasue she was our ride. we thanked christian for having us, ahaha, when we invited ourselfs, and left, lina and nelle stayed, and who knows what time they left. throught the whole afternoon from the time we left the haiti event, to the time we were going home, the drivin portion was being taken over by my ipod and "DJ magana's (cynthia)" skills. ahaha. songs from, miley cyrus, to rihanna, to mariah carey were played. but "DJ magana" needed to stick to one song, ahaha, she kept changing it 20 seconds into the song. ohh myy. that driving time was hilarious.

now im home, watching tv, bloggin, and being irritated with the little kids that are here, that are going to sleep over, ughhh. hahaha. help me. -_-

thoughts on LOVE

after watching Dear John, i came to a conclusion that i seriously despise/hate romantic movies at the moment. everytime i finish watching romances, i feel like shit. like they put my life in perspective, and show me how pathetic my love life really is. i get so jealous of the people in the movies, and how perfect they have it to have someone that loves them. someone they spend their days talking to, and being all lovey dovey with. i dont have that, and ive never had that.

i dont mean to sound desperate, but i mean understand my situation. im almost freaking 18 yrs old, and i've never been in a relationship. like seriously, i know that im not a freaking HOT ass guy, but like am i really soo ugly that i cant get anybody to be intersted in me?? ive been madly in love with people, have had major crush obsessions, but never have i had any of those things directed towards me.

i doubt people actually know how miserable i feel. yea i act like im freaking desperate to have someone, but its not just that. Im tired of waiting, ive been waiting my whole four years of high school for something to actually happen, and im jst to the point that i feel that if i keep waiting, not doing anything about it, that i will never be with anyone. i hate this feeling, but i jst cant help it. im naive to that whole world that i jst dont know what to do, or how to act.

i wanna say, things will come when the time is right, but im tired of going by that. TIRED.

new semester. SAME SHIT.

old things never change.
it looks like school is going to be the same as always. the new semester started and nothing really changed, except for the fact that we transfered over to enocomics now that we finished government. thats practically the only thing thats new. lol.

it was almost like deja vu. my schedule was messed up. this time it wasnt as bad as the actual first day of school, but it still bugged me that the administration couldnt get things right. like really.. really now? gahh.

i got my class back by the beginning of lunch though. apparently our principle is trying to kiss our asses and make us like him, so he changed mine and other peoples schedule. jst bc he did this one good thing, doesnt mean that we are going to forget about all the things that he screwed up on.

as the saying goes.

old habits, never change.