my life is turning into an episode of THE HILLS.

so this weekend was "the hills" weekend on mtv. all five seasons of the hills played on mtv all day saturday and sunday. i of course watched them all. well not necessarly all, i did wake up late, and i did go out in the afternoons, but i did watch most of them. i enjoyed reliving the whole "hills" hype... i came to a few realizations while watching the episodes.

1. the first place were i heard of Lady Gaga was on the hills!,
2. the girl that was with stephanie in club opera, screaming at lauren for
having beef with speidi, is named roxy, (she was stephanie's best friend), now
is on whitney's show "The City" and is friends with whitney!.

pretty crazy realizations haha. well other than that i enjoyed watching my favorite episodes over again. and refreshing my memory from start to finish, gettin me ready for the last season of the show. can't wait.. but.. as i spent most of my weekend watching the hills, i couldnt help but notice how similar my current life was to the events taking place in the show... it was actually sad seeing that, noticing how the things that were making me sad, were actually sorta the same things that were causing problems to some of the main characters... i just came to a realization that my life was turning to an episode of the hills... but as much as i love the show, i wouldnt want some of the situations that happened in the show to take part in my life... AT ALL.

in the famous words of a now ugly woman, " what did i do?!!,... what did i do??!!"

hurts.

..its times like these when i wish that i could just crawl under a rock, and stay there forever. i dont like feeling like this.. like my world is already falling apart piece by piece as a new chapter in my life is barely going to begin.. and once again, im feeling like im being questioned, like im being doubted. and thats not a pretty feeling to feel, trust me. im to the point where i dont want to do anything anymore.

i had a plan, a surprise planned, but now... i dont even know if i should go through with it.. she wants to question my friendship..? her out of all people.. i honestly dont see the reason behind it. yes i havent been that social, or even plain out not social for idk how long, but that doesnt mean anything. that doesnt mean i hate everyone or that im not including them in my life. i havent done anything, planned anything, or even gone anywhere where people should feel like im not including them. I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING to not not include ANYONE, so it honestly hurts me that people even feel like that, especially you, you out of all people, you that means everything to me. i really dont want to end my high school experience like this... were suppossed to stay together forever.. remember.... if it honestly is my fault for all of this, then im truly sorry, i dont like making people feel like they are no longer part of my life, im not that type of person and i thought it was clear as to what kind of friend i am..

YET again.

well.. im doing it again... im falling for a straight guy.. YET AGAIN.. story of my life. hahaha. i guess i couldnt jst not think about guys, or i jst couldnt NOT not have a crush on someone, its like i need to constantly be liking someone in order for me to be happy, and comfortable with myself... its funny how ive known this guy for my whole high school life, and im barely actually falling for him. i mean, i did think he was cute as the years progressed, but NOW, senior year has put him in a new light, ive really noticed him this year. and im loving it... i feel like its junior year all over again, except this time its with a different guy, the reason being.. the guy actually talks to me, makes me laugh, and isnt bothered by my extremely obvious flirting, (well atleast i think, i mean im pretty obvious, but you never know), and its because for these reasons that im really into him.

i guess that whenever this type of guy comes my way, i always think that i could change him, that it would jst take one night.. or not even a night, more like our conversations, and us bonding together, that he could turn on me, and be my one and only that ive been looking for, but i have to bring myself down to reality everytime, and i dont mind at all. i jst enjoy the time that i have, and make the best of it. i know that ill get over him sooner or later, and he will jst be added to the list of guys that i crushed on deeply while in high school. now that i think about it.. he might be the last one...

healing process

soo, ive had this tongue piercing for 3 days now, and my tongue has turn into a faken watermelon. LOL. its sooo fat. ! swelled up alot. my barbell has made an indent on the top of my tongue, which burns everytime i kind move it. i had a major lisp. all my friends are making fun of me. ahah. but i jst cant wait for the two weeks to ber over, and then i can switch to a smaller one, and with better balls, bc i dont really like the metal ones.

im not really enjoying this healing process, at the moment i had fluid in my mouth, i sprayed h2ocean body and oral piercing spray in my mouth, and im holding it in for 10 mins, but i want to vomit everytime, bc its jst salty and goeyy, not very good. im doing everything i can to make this swelling go down faster. i want my normal tongue back!. lol

my biggest problem that i have at the moment, is not being able to eat what ever the fuck i want, or even eatign comfortably. it takes me 30 mins to finish freaking small fries. wtf? and then i cant eat dairy, i dont want no facken yeast infection in my mouth so im staying away from all my favority dairy stuff... such a pain!. lol.

i jst want this whole healing process thing to be over, because everyday that i wake up, and my tongue is still swollen, i get worried, and i dont like feeling like that at all. worst feeling ever. in other news, ive been hiding my piercing very well, nobody in my house has noticed my piercing, or even my lisp! yay me. i want this to heal, and then ill probably think about telling them. haha.

piercing.

well.... i finally did it.. after so much talk about me getting my tongue pierced, i finally ended up doing it. i freaking love how it looks!. LOL

i was freaking nervous walking to the tattoo shop, me and cassie were trying to calm myself down, talking bout random things, and just laughing. we were joking about how we were the last two people who would walk in into a tattoo shop asking for a body piercing. ahha. it was funny. well we got there, and we saw some hot ass guys, that defenetly calmed me down. one was even walking shirtless. dammm. what a nice body he had. my piercer took a while to get the stuff ready, but when it was time, i was prepared. the actuall procedure didnt really hurt, it was more like a little pinch in the tongue. he told me that i had a short tongue, so it would be difficult for him to pierce it, but in the end it all worked out, and before i knew it, it was over. now im enduring the aftermath, it freaking hurtss!. like seriously its soo soree. and im freaking hungry that i dont now how im going to eat. im like starving at the moment!. gahhh. i want to be as cautious as possible with this thing. i think im seriously going to be a clean freak with my mouth. i researched and it said that i shouldnt use lots of mouthwash, but idk if ima follow that. well i guess, ill defently be loosing some weight now, because im putting myself in a strict diet. for two weeks. i can do it!.

im expecting for my tongue to swell, hopefully it doesnt swell soo bad.

O! another thing, my family absolutely doesnt know anything about this, idk how long im going to keep this secret, hopefully i can for a really long time. i mean, im 18, but they jst wouldnt understand. gahh.

time to wake up

time to wake up from this break slumber. ughhh. what a facken drag. tomorrow im back to school, and im not so extatic about it. well all i can now keep telling myself is, less than 3 more facken months left. gahhh. cant waiit.

the end of this spring break was actually very pleasin in my opinion, it actually has been a very more producitve and enjoyable spring break ever, for me that is. haha. friday was awesome.

went to citywalk, walked around, entered shops here and there, window shopped, then we left and somehow ended up in hollywood. haha. OMG. i saw freaking AUDRINA PATRIDGE from the hills. !!! like we were at the stoplight and her car was next to ours!. it was sooo funny, i jumped and like practically stucked my head out the window. she didnt look out her window thou. i was like soo tempted to throw something at her window, but i didnt. aah. i took a picture in my phone, but u can hardly see her because it was in the evening, and her windows were tinted. she was soo pretty, and FACKEN skinny!. haha loved her. after that we decided to test our luck again and roam around hollywood blvd and sunset blvd in the car. sooo fun. we saw woody, buzz, star wars people, and JESUS!. ahaha, there was actually a guy inpersinating jesus. haha. it was gettin late so we decided to go look for LA INK, actually known as high voltage tattoo, i didnt know that haha. but we did find it, and we saw the shop, we saw kat's brother, and we saw the infamous mural in the back of the shop. such a memorable day it was.

saturday was left for a movie day with saraa. ! nobody wanted or couldnt go, so it was a "hot" date for us. ahaha. it turned out in the end that her fam was joining in. ahahaha. it was soooo funny. ! her fam was cool. (: we watched clash of the titans. it was cool. i liked it. but something was said that brought memories. haah. well, the movie was about greek gods u know.. so the name apollo was mentioned, and i was like OOOOOOOmg. ahahah. sooo funny, i didnt trip though, no bigggie.

sunday was my big egg war at the beach. for easter of course, ahah. i dont jst have random egg wars at the beach. LOL. it was FUNNN... who uses confetti nowadays??? its all about FLOUR! haha. we were a flour mess, especially me, everyone was ought to get me i swear, they all wanted to ruin my hair. -_-. it was cool though, i was ready for war. great day it was.

for the first time in a long time.... i dont have homework on sunday night!. ahahaha. it feels ooo soo good to be free tonight. maybe ill be doing this more often,... i did say that i was going to try and be a goood student after break, so imatry my best to put that into action. it a must!. my grades arent lookignt oo good at the moment. ewww.

(: <333

bittersweet.

spring break... it has been good for the most part i guess. i mean i not in mexico, but fuck it, i rather be here spending it with the family and friends. (:

so being 18 hasnt been any different than being 17 haha. i mean i like the title but i havent put it to the test yet. hopefully i can soon. ive been wanting to get a tongue piercing, better yet, i was suppossed to ahve gotten it this week, but because i have things going on with the family, where i want to eat, and where i dont want to be cautious in, i have to postpone my piercing. hopefully next week, idk, haha, i really want it though. my party was fun for the most part. i should have gotten a better jolly jumper haha. we could hardly jump in it, well ACTUALLY, we COULDNT ahaha. one step on the edge and our faces/asses were tocuhing the ground. i guess it was fun falling over and over again. haha. but i wish i would have gotten a better one, one were we could have actually been able to jump, and where we could of enjoyed the slide. maybe next time. (: i sensed something in the air that afternoon, very unecessary things were said, but whatever, it wasnt my place to get involved in, but i didnt like it either. fuck it. im over it.

our beach day was fun, we had sort of like a picnic at mandalay,claudias ceviche was bomb. (: i always love her ceviche. ahahaa, played lots of "games" tried to make a huge human pyramid, that was unsuccessful, but we made a small one, ahah, one with a 3 people base. played piggy back race, i broke lina and nelle, aahha well actually only jannelle, she couldnt carry me so we fell to the floor. funny, lina can actually carry me!. hha. i took me tunr being in the bottom, ahaha. BOTTOM. lol, i carried cassie, sara, and nicole. fun. played red rover or how ever u spell it, i was very good, i was not about to let go of anyones hand no matter how much it would hurt.

our PHO night was very good. it was myself, cassie, sara, amanda, and CRISTIAN!. ahah. miracle he went out for a change. we mostly ordered our usuals, the food was bomb, i freaking love that place. lots of conversations were made, lots of laughs were made, and it was just an overall great night with the friends. i kept touching my tongue because i wanted a tongue piercing soo much, they kept makign fun of me. ahha... in other news, cristian is seriously a cutie. he made me smile everytime he spoke, whether if it was directed to me or not. i guess i found myself my next "crush", bout time, that apollo event really took a toll on me, but im back, and im happy. (: after pho we went to jack in the crack because cristian kept complaining that he wanted s a burger, we took him (next door) and we got ourselfs some oreo shakes. yumm. more laughs were exchanged, and sexual stuff was said between cassie and myself. ahaha. sooo funny.

cassie: "ewww you would really go down?!"
me:" ummm yeaa?.. what else am i suppossed to do??"

ahahaha soo funny. cassie and her reactions are hilarious. love her. in the end it was myself, saram and amanda for like an hour. sara's ride wasnt coming so we jst chilled there talking and bonding. perfect it was. (:

in more shocking news.. im actually not procastinating with my spring break homework! shocking right??? i finished most of my stuff already, and its barely the middle of the week, ahaha, i made 6 poems, 4 of which im very happy with, finished a stupid book for government AP review, and all i have to do now is a project. i have an idea of what i want to do, but now i just have to put it into action. im like soo proud of myself for not letting all this stuff for sunday night. haha i guess i figured i wasnt going to be able to do everything since that sunday was easter sunday. which i cant faken wait for. EGG WAR will be happening. HECK YESS.

o. i went out driving today for a change. i paid for an instructor to take me because i simply wastn going to learn with the people in this house. everybodu is either busy, or faken lazy i swear. gahh. anyways. it was pretty good. drove for 2 hours, compared to the 10 mins i did in my first time. lol. i actually went on the main streets this time. didnt crash, learned how to park, how to turn, and how to reverse, plus a 3 point turn, and a u-turn. i felt very successful. now i have to seriously annoy the hell out of my siblings to take me out because i dont want to pay again. that shit was expensive. >_>

thoughts: high school.. im soo faken over it already, college can u come any faken slower? gahh. i jst want to leave oxnard already no faken idea. this huge friendship that we all once had.. i see it slowly diminishing, and its sad to see, not even to graduation yet, and were slowly breaking off. soo much drama... UNECESSARY drama that is.. soo annoyed with it already... i guess heading off t0 college wont be AS hard AS i thought it would be..

night. (: