Dreams really DOn't come true.

its done, a clear path has finally opened up for me. i now know what i have to do, and what i have to move on from.

for the past month and a half, ive been in a total confusion bubble. i was in love, and i couldnt get myself out of it. my person of interest was a guy that lived miles away from me, i never thought about long distance relationships, i actually thought they were lame, and not worth it. BUT.. HE made me think twice about it. i like him soo much that i desperately wanted to be the one for him, and i honestly thought that he was the one for me, the one that i've been waiting for ever since love came into mind. i wanted it soo badly that i would make myself miserable whenever i felt that things were going downhill. we had our late night conversations, staying up till one us fell asleep, mostly him, we talked about random things, and not so random things. i was finally happy for once in my life, our conversations made me feel that there was actually a possibility there, a possibility that he would be the one for me, but every week things would change very quickly. our conversations wouldnt be as good, i would feel that i was boring him, and i would stop myself from txting him for a few days simply because i wanted to lose that feeling that i would constantly get whenever i would talk to him. that i was annoying him because i would txt him 24/7, my mind would tell me that i was fucking things up, and i would make myself miserable in return. those were the days that i would go to school feeling down, being completely noticeable to my friends, looking like a total loser that is impatient, and wants somebody to love him, somebody for him to be with. those were the days. but jst like that, things would change back and it would be perfect again, or even better than usual in some occassions. i was literally being taken in an emotional rollercoaster ride, but i didn't want to get of. i was to the point where i would rather be in that ride, than be waiting in the back of the line.

he would talk to me in a way that you normally wouldnt talk to a friend, but someone you thought more than that. or atleast thats what i thought and believed. our conversations would be soo random that sometimes he would bring up other guys. he would tell me how he liked them, how they liked him, and how he wanted to be with one of them. he would ask for my advice about what to do, and who to choose. you could imagine how i would be feeling. i would get soo jealous, and sad that he would think about other guys, after all of our conversations. i would even think that he would make them up jst to make me jealous, or to simply test me, but that was just my mind trying to protect me from reality. but by my mind protecting me, it let me get deeper and deeper into this whole situation, and i ended up gettin my hopes up for absolutely nothing.

i didnt have the guts to tell him that i liked him before, but valentines day was coming up so for some reason i got a boost of confidence and i told him how i felt. he didnt tell me that he felt the same, but he didnt tell me that he felt otherwise either. he simply asked why, why i liked him. i explained, and told him that i didnt expect anything in return, and that was because it was true, i didnt expect him to like me back jst because i told him how i felt, i needed to get it off my chest, and he told me that he understood what i meant. since that day i began to have a secret identity in a place called formspring. it was a place where you could ask people questions or jst talk anonymously, and he happened to get an account, so when i realized that our conversations were just not good enough anymore, that the whole things seem to be going downhill, i became anonymous and started to talk to him there. i asked him to be my valentine, and he agreed, we had a whole set out for valentines day, but i knew that it was just made up, he lived miles away so i didnt actually expect the plan to get into action, but it was fun to pretend. you see how much i was into this guy? i was going crazy for him, and he hardly knew it. when valentines day came, i didnt really talk to him, the whole point of the day had me down and i wasnt really in the mood, but i decided to make the best of it, not really caring about it. spent it with the fam bam, and that was all i needed. later at night i finally talked to him in formspring and asked him playfully what happened to our whole plan, from there our conversation started. he really wanted to know who i was, so i told him, he said he was literally surprised, that many other people crossed his mind except me, i guess it was really unexpected for me to do soemthing like that. i continued talking to him, and as time passed our conversation started heading into something that i didnt like. BOREDOM. i kept trying to change the topic, kept trying to talk about interesting stuff, but i was running out of things to say, then he brought up some other guy. i simply told him that i rather not talk about him, and that seemed to give me a boost of confidence to tell him, or more like ask him how he felt about me. ever since i told him how i felt i wanted to know how he felt back, i told him everything i felt and why i wanted to know. i was tired of tearing myself apart, letting myself get my hopes up, and believing that there could possibly be something there. he told me that he just saw me as a "cool friend". that wasnt the answer that i wanted to hear, but i took it how it was. i guess that while i was gettin my hopes up, i was slowly preparing myself for that part, that huge part that i believed he wouldnt feel the same because it didnt hurt me at all that he felt that way. i mean, i was hurt, i wanted to test things out, i wanted him to be the one, but i wasnt extremely hurt in the end. i know that i sound crazy for saying that i was SO deeply into this guy, and then to say that i wasnt badly hurt when he didnt feel the same, but the whole time i had doubts in the actual outcome. my mind played a game of tug of war , one side was what i wanted the outcome to be, and on the otherside was a more probable chance in reality, reality would always win in my mind. then why did i bother? i jst really liked him, i didnt care for reality.

now that im done digging my hole, and ive found a clear path to follow, i can look back at that month and a half and be happy for allowing myself to want to test things out, and for all the good moments i had. im glad that i still got him as a friend, or atleast i hope i still do, hes very cool, and i wouldnt want to end things just like that. now i go and begin my search once again for that guy... that guy that i just simply can't seem to find. wish mee luck.